"I wonder at the steepness of my focus."

You're No Good

Bitch by Carolyn Kizer

Now, when he and I meet, after all these years,

I say to the bitch inside me, don’t start growling.   

He isn’t a trespasser anymore,

Just an old acquaintance tipping his hat.

My voice says, “Nice to see you,”

As the bitch starts to bark hysterically.

He isn’t an enemy now,

Where are your manners, I say, as I say,

“How are the children? They must be growing up.”   

At a kind word from him, a look like the old days,   

The bitch changes her tone; she begins to whimper.   

She wants to snuggle up to him, to cringe.

Down, girl! Keep your distance

Or I’ll give you a taste of the choke-chain.

“Fine, I’m just fine,” I tell him.

She slobbers and grovels.

After all, I am her mistress. She is basically loyal.   

It’s just that she remembers how she came running   

Each evening, when she heard his step;

How she lay at his feet and looked up adoringly   

Though he was absorbed in his paper;

Or, bored with her devotion, ordered her to the kitchen   

Until he was ready to play.

But the small careless kindnesses

When he’d had a good day, or a couple of drinks,

Come back to her now, seem more important

Than the casual cruelties, the ultimate dismissal.

“It’s nice to know you are doing so well,” I say.

He couldn’t have taken you with him;

You were too demonstrative, too clumsy,

Not like the well-groomed pets of his new friends.   

“Give my regards to your wife,” I say. You gag

As I drag you off by the scruff,

Saying, “Goodbye! Goodbye! Nice to have seen you again.”

excerpt from The Idea of Revelation by Tina Chang

"You stop the clock in your paltry chest.

The one that says choose, choose.

Wind that desired backward. Ring

the alarm. When you wake, no more

pain. A mirror like a window looking out.

What can your past now say to you

that has never been said before? What

of that clock that forbade you to move

 

forward. What of the clock that asked

for nothing but passage, the minutes

careening into you like a fitful arrow.

 

What of the clock that summoned nothing,

not even mercy. Once you tired of wanting,

a face to break, you started the clock again."

Day 1: Persimmon Vinegar!

"Self-knowledge isn't always good news."

The Healing Time by Pesha Joyce Gertler

Finally on my way to yes
I bump into
all the places
where I said no
to my life
all the untended wounds
the red and purple scars
those hieroglyphs of pain
carved into my skin, my bones,
those coded messages
that send me down
the wrong street
again and again
where I find them
the old wounds
the old misdirections
and I lift them
one by one
close to my heart
and I say holy
holy.

Do Not Be Ashamed by Wendell Berry

You will be walking some night
in the comfortable dark of your yard
and suddenly a great light will shine
round about you, and behind you
will be a wall you never saw before.
It will be clear to you suddenly
that you were about to escape,
and that you are guilty: you misread
the complex instructions, you are not
a member, you lost your card
or never had one. And you will know
that they have been there all along,
their eyes on your letters and books,
their hands in your pockets,
their ears wired to your bed.
Though you have done nothing shameful,
they will want you to be ashamed.
They will want you to kneel and weep
and say you should have been like them.
And once you say you are ashamed,
reading the page they hold out to you,
then such light as you have made
in your history will leave you.
They will no longer need to pursue you.
You will pursue them, begging forgiveness.
They will not forgive you.
There is no power against them.
It is only candor that is aloof from them,
only an inward clarity, unashamed,
that they cannot reach. Be ready.
When their light has picked you out
and their questions are asked, say to them:
"I am not ashamed." A sure horizon
will come around you. The heron will begin
his evening flight from the hilltop.

Listen:

 Unconditional Love- Tara Brach

"All you need is already within you, only you must approach your self with reverence and love. Self-condemnation and self-distrust are grievous errors. Your constant flight from pain and search for pleasure is a sign of love you bear for your self, all I plead with you is this: make love of your self perfect. Deny yourself nothing -- give your self infinity and eternity and discover that you do not need them; you are beyond.”

"When we are caught in our struggles about feeling good about ourselves, we shut down our access to creativity, intelligence, and love."

“Over the years, I have come to realize that the greatest trap in our life is not success, popularity, or power, but self-rejection. Success, popularity, and power can indeed present a great temptation, but their seductive quality often comes from the way they are part of the much larger temptation to self-rejection. When we have come to believe in the voices that call us worthless and unlovable, then success, popularity, and power are easily perceived as attractive solutions. The real trap, however, is self-rejection. As soon as someone accuses me or criticizes me, as soon as I am rejected, left alone, or abandoned, I find myself thinking, "Well, that proves once again that I am a nobody." ... [My dark side says,] I am no good... I deserve to be pushed aside, forgotten, rejected, and abandoned. Self-rejection is the greatest enemy of the spiritual life because it contradicts the sacred voice that calls us the "Beloved." Being the Beloved constitutes the core truth of our existence.”

-Henri Nouwen

"I want to make you feel beautiful."

“look at other people and ask yourself if you are really seeing them or just your thoughts about them.... Without knowing it, we are coloring everything, putting our spin on it all.” 

                                                                                                 

“There's the story, then there's the real story, then there's the story of how the story came to be told. Then there's what you leave out of the story. Which is part of the story too.”

                                                                                                               —Margaret Atwood

Unsaid by A. R. Ammons

Have you listened for the things I have left out?
I am nowhere near the end yet and already
               hear
           the hum of omissions,
the chant of vacancies, din of

silences:

there is the other side of matter, antimatter,
              the antiproton:
           we
have measured the proton:    it has mass:    we
have measured the antiproton:   it has negative mass:

you will not

hear me completely even at this early point
unless you hear my emptiness:
              go back:
           how can I
tell you what I have not said:   you must look for it

yourself:   that

side has weight, too, though words cannot bear it
out:   listen for the things I have left out:
            I  am
         aware
of them, as you must be, or you will miss

the non-song

in my singing:   it is not that words cannot say
what is missing:   it is only that what is missing
              cannot
          be missed if
spoken:   read the parables of my unmaking:

feel the ris-

ing bubble's trembling walls:    rush into the domes
these wordy arches shape:    hear
                me
            when I am
silent:      gather the boundaried vacancies.