To whomever taught me the word dickhead,
I owe a debt of thanks.
It gave me a way of being in the world of men
when I most needed one,
when I was pale and scrawny,
naked, goosefleshed
as a plucked chicken
in a supermarket cooler, a poor
forked thing stranded in the savage
universe of puberty, where wild
jockstraps flew across the steamy
skies of locker rooms,
and everybody fell down laughing
at jokes I didn’t understand.
But dickhead was a word as dumb
and democratic as a hammer, an object
you could pick up in your hand,
and swing,
saying dickhead this and dickhead that,
a song that meant the world
was yours enough at least
to bang on like a garbage can,
and knowing it, and having that
beautiful ugliness always
cocked and loaded in my mind,
protected me and calmed me like a psalm.
Now I have myself become
a beautiful ugliness,
and my weakness is a fact
so well established that
it makes me calm,
and I am calm enough
to be grateful for the lives I
never have to live again;
but I remember all the bad old days
back in the world of men,
when everything was serious, mysterious, scary,
hairier and bigger than I was;
was what I hated, feared
and was excluded from:
Hardly knowing what I did,
or what would come of it,
I made a word my friend.
